I have been avoiding this particular page of the interent, I know I have... there I admitted it, does that make it better? No? Ok fine. I have tones of pictures to upload and post wonderful updates to give.. but yet I can't. My mind has been inendated with "pity me" "I am so Miserable" thoughts and they are driving me crazy.
I now know four people who have babies due in august. Two high school friends, one theatre friend, and my cousing. 2 girls and two boys. They know what they are going to have. They have bumps that aren't just stress fat from a miscarriage. They get to buy baby clothes and have people coo oer them. And me... I am stuck in yet another endless cycle of TTC. I should be eagerly awaiting August as well. But I am not, I am dreading it and that makes me sad - It is Alices' third birthday this august, and I am afriad I am only going to be a party pooper. I keep telling myself if I am not pregnant by my birthday I'll... I'll... i'll... I have nothing... I will be a failure.
Alice plays by herlsef and I feel like a failure.
I see pregnant women and I feel like a failure.
I see babies and I feel like a failure.
See...
Pity me..
I am so sad...
It's slightly pathetic you know.
I know drinking red raspberry leaf tea (nasty) and takeing chaste tree berry extract three times a day to help right my 'problem'. I have a Lateal phase problem and maybe even a defect. The days of my LP cycle and it may be short enough (ten days or less) to consider it a deect. Meaning the days between Ovulation and Menstration are not enough to send the triggers to my body to say 'Hey your pregnant!' Its why it takes so long. I have to wait until my body gives me the golden month that I ovulate on day 14.. the months my body works right.. My midwife and I are hoping that drinking the nesty tea will help with it... I found out that with honey I can stomach it...
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I know saying, "I know how you feel" is not good enough but I know how you feel. It took six years of trying EVERYTHING for me to get pregnant with Evy after loosing Leo.
One trick I use to get out of a funk it to burn three candles, one at a time, back to back. One for the past, one for the present, and one for the future. This gives me a chance to wallow in the past without getting lost there.
I'd also encourage you to plan a little ceremony for the baby you lost before Alice's birthday. Give it a name. It meant the world to you, share that with others.
As for your future babies, maybe Leo isn't ready to let his cousin come to earth.
Just a few thoughts.
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