I have been avoiding this particular page of the interent, I know I have... there I admitted it, does that make it better? No? Ok fine. I have tones of pictures to upload and post wonderful updates to give.. but yet I can't. My mind has been inendated with "pity me" "I am so Miserable" thoughts and they are driving me crazy.
I now know four people who have babies due in august. Two high school friends, one theatre friend, and my cousing. 2 girls and two boys. They know what they are going to have. They have bumps that aren't just stress fat from a miscarriage. They get to buy baby clothes and have people coo oer them. And me... I am stuck in yet another endless cycle of TTC. I should be eagerly awaiting August as well. But I am not, I am dreading it and that makes me sad - It is Alices' third birthday this august, and I am afriad I am only going to be a party pooper. I keep telling myself if I am not pregnant by my birthday I'll... I'll... i'll... I have nothing... I will be a failure.
Alice plays by herlsef and I feel like a failure.
I see pregnant women and I feel like a failure.
I see babies and I feel like a failure.
See...
Pity me..
I am so sad...
It's slightly pathetic you know.
I know drinking red raspberry leaf tea (nasty) and takeing chaste tree berry extract three times a day to help right my 'problem'. I have a Lateal phase problem and maybe even a defect. The days of my LP cycle and it may be short enough (ten days or less) to consider it a deect. Meaning the days between Ovulation and Menstration are not enough to send the triggers to my body to say 'Hey your pregnant!' Its why it takes so long. I have to wait until my body gives me the golden month that I ovulate on day 14.. the months my body works right.. My midwife and I are hoping that drinking the nesty tea will help with it... I found out that with honey I can stomach it...
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentines Day!!
Happy Valentines day Everyone!
I got flowers this year, flowers and chocolate. But not the Flowers andChocolate of Valentines day. Flowers and Chocolate ofcomfort, and of love.
'Just a reminder that in this hard time I still love you' The Card read. And it is, it is a hard time. No matter how much I can be ok, I am still not ok. I lost something, WE lost something and the pain is stil fresh, ut I must say I am better at recovering than I originally thought.
When my cousin dies, I cried and surrounded myself by things that I love, things to keep me busy. And sonner than expected I could look back on his loss, on him without being too sad, without crying. And in some ways I have done the same thing this time. I quite my job. I have surrounded myself by the people I love, and things to keep my time occupied and slowly and surely I am recovering. Soon I will be able to think on it without tears.
Yesterday while on our way to the library Alice piped up from the back seat: "Mommy has a baby in her belly? Right Mom? We get a baby soon." It was the first time she had talked about since about a week before it happened. And I of course started crying. Dan tried to explain to her that the baby died and someday we will get to see the baby again. I probably would ot have explained this to her, but whats done is done. Alice thought for a moment, got me to look at her with many 'Mommy look at me, please's and promptly told her that the baby in her tummy died to jut like mommys. I know she doesn't get it how could she. But her attempt at comfort, her attempt at wanting to be like mommy was precious.
Its amazing how quickly your body bounces back to what is normal. There is no more nausea. There is no more fatigue. No more slightly flabby baby belly. No more soreness. Its just all gone, just like the baby.
I enrolled in school yesterday and am going to get my associates in web design. It is an at home course (all I can really do with an alice.) But I am excited, its something I have wanted to learn more about.
We alos planned a trip to disney land. We were going to go before I got preganat so I guess in some ways we are just picking up where we left off. But looking toward the future at the same time. Looking forward to finally welcoming that little child that we both feel is waiting. March 20th. On March 20th we will try again. And it is then that we will know if we have truly healed or not.
I got flowers this year, flowers and chocolate. But not the Flowers andChocolate of Valentines day. Flowers and Chocolate ofcomfort, and of love.
'Just a reminder that in this hard time I still love you' The Card read. And it is, it is a hard time. No matter how much I can be ok, I am still not ok. I lost something, WE lost something and the pain is stil fresh, ut I must say I am better at recovering than I originally thought.
When my cousin dies, I cried and surrounded myself by things that I love, things to keep me busy. And sonner than expected I could look back on his loss, on him without being too sad, without crying. And in some ways I have done the same thing this time. I quite my job. I have surrounded myself by the people I love, and things to keep my time occupied and slowly and surely I am recovering. Soon I will be able to think on it without tears.
Yesterday while on our way to the library Alice piped up from the back seat: "Mommy has a baby in her belly? Right Mom? We get a baby soon." It was the first time she had talked about since about a week before it happened. And I of course started crying. Dan tried to explain to her that the baby died and someday we will get to see the baby again. I probably would ot have explained this to her, but whats done is done. Alice thought for a moment, got me to look at her with many 'Mommy look at me, please's and promptly told her that the baby in her tummy died to jut like mommys. I know she doesn't get it how could she. But her attempt at comfort, her attempt at wanting to be like mommy was precious.
Its amazing how quickly your body bounces back to what is normal. There is no more nausea. There is no more fatigue. No more slightly flabby baby belly. No more soreness. Its just all gone, just like the baby.
I enrolled in school yesterday and am going to get my associates in web design. It is an at home course (all I can really do with an alice.) But I am excited, its something I have wanted to learn more about.
We alos planned a trip to disney land. We were going to go before I got preganat so I guess in some ways we are just picking up where we left off. But looking toward the future at the same time. Looking forward to finally welcoming that little child that we both feel is waiting. March 20th. On March 20th we will try again. And it is then that we will know if we have truly healed or not.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Loss
The fates, the world and God have come together in a powerfull combination to help me cope and understand loss. Albeit the lesson is not wanted in any sense, but it many ways it may be needed.
I give you warning now that this post may be hard to read, and in many ways I am using it as a coping mechanism for myself. I do not blame or hold any ill will to those who skip over this particular rambling of thought.
I guess in some ways I had always known that something was wrong, that perhaps I would not go to term. But at the same time having never experienced a loss such as this it was coutned as something that would not simply happen to me. I will admit that while making the last post I knew full well what was happening, but in my desperation to be possitive I clung to the wonderful things we had happened that day. While at my sisters (Thanks to my wonderful sister for the use of her shower.) I knew it was starting. Blood should not be that red durring pregnancy. It was not confirmed until Nap time on Sunday, with a call to my midwife. I was warned that the cramping, that everything would get worse, and so I prepared myself.
It was that evening That I realized a few things. I needed to write this down. I have read so many beautoful birth stories, but none of the agonizing loss of a pregnancy in the last week of the first trimester.
My body was birthing. But it was not the birth of a beautiful term baby that could be held and watch grow. I could feel every movement of my body, every pulse, every opening. They were not cramps, they were contractions, coming in a pulsing nature as my body did that which it should have been doing months from then. It was a pain, a pain like I have never felt before. But it was not only the physical pain of a labor come to soon, but the severly bitter emotional pain of the loss. And it is that combination that I became extreamly aware of. I realized that for myself that combination was the begining of the healing process. There is a reason (at least for me)that the pain of miscarriage is so hard, that it racks your body and your mind. I cried because my body was ripping itself away from me, but I also screamed. I screamed because of what I was loosing.
I moved my way through the pain as I had prepared myself to do in August, I relaxed myself as the pain came. And I clung, I clung to Dan as all we had expected was stripped from our lives.
My body did not hit a state of relaxation until about 11 p.m. I laid down next to my beautiful daughter with a heating pad clutched to myself. But I did not cry myself to sleep, I gladly took the darkness not as a comfort but as a needed recharge for my body.
I awoke with a strange feeling. Not of Loss, not of loliness. It was definatly not the feeling of accomplishment that I had invisioned myself after the home birth of my second child. I was not sad, I was simply alright. As if the pain of the miscarriage, the pain of the loss had combined itself into some strange form of primal scream therapy. It still hurts to speak of it, but mostly because I know that those who I tell will cry, they will mourn. And I don't know if I want to participate.
I know I still have accapting to do, But I feel alright. At least for now.
Oh, and on a side note. Alice was amazing through it all. She gave me tissues as I cried, and hugs as I mourned. All she speaks of is Disney land now as I am sure she knows what has happened, what is missing. And who knows we might just take her, some family time may be much needed now.
I give you warning now that this post may be hard to read, and in many ways I am using it as a coping mechanism for myself. I do not blame or hold any ill will to those who skip over this particular rambling of thought.
I guess in some ways I had always known that something was wrong, that perhaps I would not go to term. But at the same time having never experienced a loss such as this it was coutned as something that would not simply happen to me. I will admit that while making the last post I knew full well what was happening, but in my desperation to be possitive I clung to the wonderful things we had happened that day. While at my sisters (Thanks to my wonderful sister for the use of her shower.) I knew it was starting. Blood should not be that red durring pregnancy. It was not confirmed until Nap time on Sunday, with a call to my midwife. I was warned that the cramping, that everything would get worse, and so I prepared myself.
It was that evening That I realized a few things. I needed to write this down. I have read so many beautoful birth stories, but none of the agonizing loss of a pregnancy in the last week of the first trimester.
My body was birthing. But it was not the birth of a beautiful term baby that could be held and watch grow. I could feel every movement of my body, every pulse, every opening. They were not cramps, they were contractions, coming in a pulsing nature as my body did that which it should have been doing months from then. It was a pain, a pain like I have never felt before. But it was not only the physical pain of a labor come to soon, but the severly bitter emotional pain of the loss. And it is that combination that I became extreamly aware of. I realized that for myself that combination was the begining of the healing process. There is a reason (at least for me)that the pain of miscarriage is so hard, that it racks your body and your mind. I cried because my body was ripping itself away from me, but I also screamed. I screamed because of what I was loosing.
I moved my way through the pain as I had prepared myself to do in August, I relaxed myself as the pain came. And I clung, I clung to Dan as all we had expected was stripped from our lives.
My body did not hit a state of relaxation until about 11 p.m. I laid down next to my beautiful daughter with a heating pad clutched to myself. But I did not cry myself to sleep, I gladly took the darkness not as a comfort but as a needed recharge for my body.
I awoke with a strange feeling. Not of Loss, not of loliness. It was definatly not the feeling of accomplishment that I had invisioned myself after the home birth of my second child. I was not sad, I was simply alright. As if the pain of the miscarriage, the pain of the loss had combined itself into some strange form of primal scream therapy. It still hurts to speak of it, but mostly because I know that those who I tell will cry, they will mourn. And I don't know if I want to participate.
I know I still have accapting to do, But I feel alright. At least for now.
Oh, and on a side note. Alice was amazing through it all. She gave me tissues as I cried, and hugs as I mourned. All she speaks of is Disney land now as I am sure she knows what has happened, what is missing. And who knows we might just take her, some family time may be much needed now.
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